I fantasized in elaborate detail about killing myself today, an occurrence far more common than I would prefer. This obsessive-compulsive demon has a hold of me, whether literal or figurative. I don’t mean OCD in the colloquial sense that people use it to describe an anal-retentive need for paintings to be straight on the wall or tax records neatly filed.
Ben, I have medical books from the 1960's that are amazing. What you described in this post could be a manifestation of a long term deficiency of B complex vitamins because B complex is one of the 7 ESSENTIAL vitamins our bodies need daily as medically proven over and over again since then. The out of print book is Let's Get Well by Adele Davis. This book has been used in our family for three generations because the information turned out to be very workable and the bibliography is quite impressive. It takes four months to correct this type of deficiency by taking B complex along with A, C and E plus minerals. Those are the main essentials the human body needs daily as proven through testing and analysis. The other two are calcium and magnesium which I get from Outback naturals as a drink I make twice a day. Hopefully if you try all of these supplements it should make a difference by the fourth month. I know for my self, getting essential nutrients made it much easier for me to bat away the darkness of my own mental travels. Another point is the fact that food no longer contains these essential vitamins or only contains minuscule amounts because of factory farming methods which strip the earth of nutrients. Its worth a try for several months to see if you get some results by taking these supplements that should provide you some relief. Oh, please note, I am not a sales rep for any vitamin company nor one for the referenced book. I took the time to write you because the information in Adele's book has really helped me and our family.
Okay. Please check out the book I referenced. Its our health bible in our family for three generations. Good luck to you. You are a GREAT writer and I truly look forward to your posts. Oh, one other nutrient I did not include is nutritional yeast flakes which is classified as a food. I take 2 tablespoons and it is supposed to correct the gut and when the gut is fixed studies state that in turn the brain gets fixed. Takes months but hey, it's worth an experimental try for a minimum of three months.
Either way, wishing you good health and happiness. Deb
Is there anything in life that fills your heart with joy? Or anyone? Or a pet? If not, I would first say that I hope you can find something/someone that makes your heart happy when you are in contact with it. Even if it’s a pet or some activity. Perhaps music therapy? Even playing music yourself? Or humming?
Is there any way you can start ignoring the demon? Tell it to eff off? Read a Bible verse when you get the thoughts? Start singing?
I was once visited by a demon in the night who tried to suffocate me and I mustered up a command three times that the demon should “Get out in the name of Jesus Christ.” That thing left. The next morning I told my mother what happened and she said the thing went into her room as well. I don’t know what she did to get rid of it. We were not devout Christians, but I wasn’t going to let that dark being get me.
There is more to your story I can relate to, but I am reticent to disclose it here. Just know you have the power to defeat evil without giving up your sanity or your life.
You overcame the substance dependence. That was HUGE and is a testament to your strength to evict demons.
Well, and I admit I have no clue what you are having to deal with on a daily basis. As another person commented, we each live alone in our own minds. When I gave advice, it’s based on my experience, not yours. I almost didn’t say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Speaking of which, all I can offer is that when I grappled with suicide I resolved that if I was ever to the point of actually killing myself , I would kill whoever made me feel that way.
I never felt I was dealing with a demon, I never even considered any thing but a human as a possible impetus, so maybe it just doesn't apply.
But are you 100 percent sure you aren't repressing feelings being engendered by people in your life?
I have had times similar. Self-help babble and compassionate friends made it worse. It was only on an upward swing that I would even consider help or counselling, but by then it was the upward swing so didn’t need it. I refuse all drugs, legal or non, and don’t drink.
My will is on the desktop with a note where to find keys and passwords. The computer lock password is in a sealed envelope addressed to my friend, and on the counter. Everything listed in the will is boxed up, enveloped, sealed stamped and addressed - and in the closet.
I already have a couple exit plans in place, supplies, money, contacts.
This was all done during a major funk several years ago and sits today still ready for that moment.
Then I binge on Star Trek and stare out the window until it passes. Somehow just the knowing I am prepared and ready at any moment is enough to put that moment off.
So no hugs, no words of encouragement or possible solutions. Just a knowing nod and wink of understanding - you aren’t alone.
Star Trek is wholesome entertainment. At least The Next Generation, the only series I've watched. A little liberal-propagandistic-utopian, but I'll take it.
My son (a few years younger than you) suffers with this, though to a lesser degree than you do, it seems. It breaks my heart to see him struggle. As his mom I want to swoop in and take it away from him, but I can’t. So I offer you the same guidance I gave him - seek Jesus Christ. Read the Bible, and start with the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). He has transformed and brought peace to countless troubled and tortured souls. Any Christian reading this, let’s pray for Ben.
As a teenager, I developed exceptionally severe OCD; I literally could not stop ruminating from the moment that I woke up to when I fell asleep. The more I fought the thoughts (and they were awful, horrendous thoughts that would shock even the most harden of inmates), the more the avalanche would grow.
Fast forward 20 years later, and I no longer suffer from OCD. It's as dormant as a mammoth locked inside a Canadian glacier. The panic attacks are also gone.
Now, absolutely none of this should be taken as medical advice, and you should talk to whatever medical experts are most relevant, but here's what finally broke me from the OCD spell completely:
1) First, it was this website that saved my life: https://www.ocdonline.com -- Dr. Phillipson's articles are what gave me the tools to break free.
2) Cognitive behavioral therapy / exposure therapy: In short, I had to retrain myself to always *run towards* the source of my distress. If I feared that I would triggered a car accident, I would intentionally imagine causing the car accident and then spice it up: not only would it only involve these cars around me, it would also include the hundred behind me on the freeway, which then would pile up so high that an airliner would then get involved, then a space dock, then some aliens, which then would cause the whole earth to pivot out alignment and into the sun.
Each time my brain would come up with something new to wring its hands over, I would force myself to willingly participate. I would intentionally try to imagine something *even worse.* If my brain upped the ante, I would do the same. No matter how dark and bleak my brain wanted to go, I could do one better.
Eventually with time, your brain realizes it cannot win this game against you and those intrusive thoughts no longer seem as exciting to it as they did previously. Do keep in mind that this is a habit you'll be forming, and not an instant cure. You'll have to repeat this over and over and over again, but each time you do, the fear will become less and less and less... Gradual steps, inch by inch.
3) This leads me into panic attacks. I used to get horrible panic attacks (especially while driving) and often thought I'd die of a heart attack. Now, I used the same concept as above: when I felt one coming on, I intentionally tried to make it worse by egging on the initiating fear. If I thought I was having a heart attack, I'd double down and try to go for an aneurism and a stroke, too. After doing this 2-3 times, the panic attacks stopped completely. It's been over a decade and they've never returned.
4) I started taking L-taurine (an amino acid you can buy OTC for dirt cheap) nightly before bed, as well as adding GABA (an OTC supplement) on days when my anxiety seems overly high. Since taking taurine regularly, I've stopped having anxiety (OCD, social, general). There are some studies that seem to suggest OCD might be linked with low GABA (link below). Taurine + GABA is a great combo for chilling out anxieties (taurine is an agonist of GABA: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30892104/). If you're on an SSRI (or similar), double check with your doc first before taking GABA.
5) A note on existential dread: After my grandmother died, I spent a lot of time wrestling with this (outside of the context of OCD). What gave me peace is realizing that even if there is nothing after death, I won't be cognizant of it. You can't be bothered by your own lack of non-existence if you don't exist. So, why spend time anguishing over it while alive? There are much more fun and interesting things to do in the meantime.
In short: OCD is absolutely surmountable. No matter how severe it is right now, it is not a life sentence and your brain can be retrained to ensure it stops acting up like this completely. My own journey is a testament to this fact. And brother, let me tell you: if I can do this, you *absolutely* can do this. The only thing you need is courage to charge towards your worst fears -- you'll find that when those fears see you charging at them, they'll scatter like rats whipped out of an old NYC pizza box.
Ben-I am 76 now; have a master's in psych but I am not a therapist. In my mid 20's I experienced panic attacks. Eventually they "went away." I have read a good bit about the problem, various therapies etc. and I teach basic psy at a 2 years college.
1. I am not a fan of psychoanalytic types. they are looking for some deep hidden cause of symptoms. I suggest (as above) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
2. I believe these problems are largely physical/brain problems, not psychological per se. good news is research shows how you feel determines how you feel and visa versa.
4. check out Dr. Jeffery Schwartz. a research psychiatrist at UCLA (?). you can find a number of utubes and he has several books re his method of treating OCD. a form of CBT.
5. meditation has a research base of effectiveness. easy, cheap, fun.
6. I've used several non-Rx supplements on occasion and for sleep. L-theanine, Passion Flower, ashwagandha.
7. from your description I can't quite tell if you are describing anxiety attacks or OCD or both. but that matters.
Feel free to reach out if you want more info or whatever.
I have felt that demon. Though our experiences & medical histories are different , the only thing that helped me shed it for good was a heroic dose of psychedelics 7 years ago … which is something I would only advocate under guidance.
There are other approaches aside from pharmaceuticals . The goal is to find the best pathway to heal & not give up.
Also forgive yourself
“ Does writing this down make me weak? Am I supposed to figure this shit out on my own in a closet like old times? ”
Absolutely not. You are being REAL, & are not alone.
This is something that should be planned. Setting is very important. Find a peaceful comfortable setting , bring a notepad , recording device & talk / write it out . Write it. Speak it. Unravel the ball of yarn that is your conscious mind mixed with emotion.
For Ayuasca retreats in Peru they actually have you abstain from nicotine, alcohol, & caffeine etc for2 weeks prior & eat a bland diet . They know its a life changing experience for those who go through the ceremony .
My personal experience was a bit more bootleg. What was supposed to be a microdose event between shrooms & LSD became a megadose event that sent me on a 16 hr journey. In between kaleidoscope vision , severe nausea & thinking I would prob die & get taken to another planet - were massive bouts of laughter & epiphanies.
I emerged a different person. The demon was eradicated.
Since we only each live in our own heads, it’s hard to know how common it is. But I have had periods like that; and many friends have shared same. I think it’s a human experience. These times don’t help as it seems like we are living through a somewhat inexorable decline and fall. For my part I appreciate reading your stuff because it makes me feel like there are more kindred spirits out there (there are lots of us).
Faith is a personal thing, but I think people who have to feel that it’s all up to them face huge burdens in this life, while those with faith can offload what we can’t control (apparently most everything) to a higher power. I am just finishing reading Quo Vadis (historical fiction) by Sienkiewicz (re Rome / Nero / Christians), which is very inspiring as Rome was in clear free fall at that time (Nero); and its characters bear crazy suffering in heroic ways. So too, Vaclav Havel’s writings, like Disturbing the Peace, are very inspiring as well, even on basic mental health (not just societal challenges).
By looking at such “history,” we can gain perspective on how comparatively fortunate we may still be. Think about the flowers in the field, rooted, that cannot do other than wait for sunshine and rain, and yet they live, generationally, in multitudes.
I would also suggest just get outside as much as possible; it’s crucial for our well being. Be well. Thoughts and prayers with you.
Demons and angels. Shoulders and whispers. Choices and consequences. Influence and conscience. Desires and sobriety. Forks in the road, regrets and fond memories. 3am monologues - pleasant dreams and nightmares. Ships that sail and those that don't come in. Bridges burned new accesses forged. Old friends alienated new friends gifted. Suicidal thoughts and newborn remedies.
Never give up. Never surrender. This life is a test. Persevere and broadcast your strength, generosity, and compassion. This is the path to escaping this nightmare.
I cannot possibly know what you are going through nor can I walk in your shoes and experience the level of dread and suffering you've been handling from a young age as detailed in this essay, all I can say is that our character is forged in the fire of these trials and tribulations. These obstacles can either break you or make you strong. In your case through your work, I see the latter. Hold tight to your qualities and virtues, it will be worth it.
First of all, I sincerely hope you're able to continue to best this monster, because I'd miss these columns. Second, being able to openly speak of this sort of thing - or *any sort of thing* is *agency*. It's the opposite of weakness, it's *power*. The hidden thing is a handle for your enemies, but the exposed thing denies *them* power. Especially when you, honestly and frankly and without apology, are the one who exposes it. Keep up the good work.
I can relate. I have lived with a sense of being an outsider since my earliest memories. I developed various ways to cope but resisted fully accepting my problem or treating it. I thought for a long time that I simply had ‘bouts’ of depression. When I consider it, I think the reason I am still here is that I have always found things to enjoy or to be interested in. There has always been more to do and to learn. I don’t have a profound understanding of my own psyche, as most of my life I resisted accepting this, and had a skeptical attitude to psychology and self-help and ‘happiness’ delusions. For the past few years I have gradually studied my problem. (I had to overcome my own denial and resistance.) For very practical skills for dealing with strong emotions and addictions and suicidal despair, I offer the therapy developed by Marsha Linehan called ‘Dialectical Behavior Therapy.’ She wrote a pretty good narrative about her struggles with despair and her studies of many disciplines over several decades. She has also incorporated Zen meditation into DBT. DBT has helped me step aside from my automatic ‘triggered’ patterns and be mindful that I can choose to behave differently. I am a novice, but I offer this because other therapies like Cognitive Behavior Therapy were not enough for me. I think I have made more progress with some DBT, and started thinking differently, and finding other resources. Currently I am reading up on shame by various authors. Guilt is something you can do something about. Shame is like an oppressive negative identity a person adopts, often during childhood or after traumatic events.
Good for you! That stuff is another one of their many pathways to make us permanent patients. I concede that psych med prescriptions are usually necessary when someone is in a severe crisis, but the credentialed professionals never seem to prescribe 'no drugs', do they?
Respect brother. I’ve no words to help. I just prayed for you. One day at a time. The past few years have been tough and almost unbearable for many, including myself, and also you.
I’m sorry if it sounds cliche, but Jesus knows and understands. Find peace thru prayer.
I’ve been told I’m manic depressive. I’ve found the best way to face blistering annihilation is prayer. That’s a grace you can, I think will, receive if you honestly ask for it. In old school Catholic parlance, I unite my suffering with Christ’s on the Cross. I offer it up. And it always helps. The suffering, the annihilation is still real, but it becomes bearable, meaningful even. You can handle ecstasy in the same manner, which magnifies it, incidentally. I think annihilation and ecstasy are actually the only things that are ultimately real, but “normal” people are just psychically shielded from knowing it.
Hi Ben, Here are some suggestions, from an electronic technician and computer programmer - not a doctor - without any assumptions about to what extent you know about these already.
Many people use caffeine every day for decades without realising how it drives anxiety, irritability, fear, tiredness (overall, perhaps counteracted for a few hours after each dose), impatience and, surely PTSD and OCD. I quit it after 30 years or so when I found my one or two scandalously weak cups of tea a day was making me anxious. That was 20 years ago. I am sure it also reduces creativity, since it puts us into an alarmed, fight or flight state, which is the opposite of what leads to creative combinations of thoughts bouncing around lightly and aligning in novel combinations.
I regret that the same is true of chocolate - especially dark chocolate. I generally avoid it now, though white chocolate has much less caffeine and theobromine. These are two very similar compounds - and the coffee plant makes caffeine from theobromine. Both evidently evolved in multiple plants to interfere with the nervous systems of insects which eat the plants. They both block adenosine receptors from being activated by the neurotransmitter adenosine. The details of the mental effects are complex, but it hardly matters. They are addictive anxiogenic drugs and I believe that everyone would be better off without less than what most people have, including probably zero or close to it. I have a small amount of chocolate while driving, to reduce my tendency to get distracted sight-seeing. A certain level of anxiety when driving is good!
Unfortunately, alcohol is a menace and should avoided except perhaps in very small amounts. It is a carcinogenic depressant which kills neurons. I might have half a glass of wine sometimes. I bought some 4.5% alcohol light beer today, for the first time in years, since summer is here in .au.
Vitamin B12 is a common deficiency, at least for those who avoid meat, poultry and fish. (I eat plenty of fish, but still take B12 in a multivitamin and an occasional liquid spray just in case.)
Most people have only a fraction of the 25-hydroxyvitamin D they need for proper immune system function. I recall you are aware of this, which is great. For research on this, please see: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/ .
For how much vitamin D3 to supplement to attain the required 50 ng/mL (125 nmol/L = 1 part in 20,000,000 by mass) 25-hydroxyvitamin D, as needed by immune cells and cells of many other types, including in the brain, please see Prof. Sunil Wimalawansa's recommendations as ratios of body weight, with higher ratios for those suffering from obesity: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#00-how-much .
For 70 kg (154 lb) without obesity, about 0.125 milligrams (5000 IU) vitamin D3 is needed, on average, per day. I weigh a little less and take a 1.25 mg (50,000 IU) capsule once a week. Adding in the small amount in a vitamin capsule and 0.025 mg (1000 IU) in a vitamin K2 capsule every day, I get about 0.2 mg a day. My 25-hydroxyvitamin D level is about 96 ng/mL or so. I am 68 and have never felt better.
"5000 IU" sounds like a lot, but it is a gram every 22 years. Pharma grade vitamin D3 costs about USD$2.50 a gram ex-factory.
Vitamin K2 (MK7 is the best form, as far as I know) reduces the degree to which high 25-hydroxyvitamin D levels might reduce calcium levels in the bone. It has other benefits. Again, I am not sure what the best research is. I take 0.2 milligrams (200 micrograms) a day. https://www.hindawi.com/journals/jnme/2017/6254836/
Iron is a common deficiency, at least for those who don't eat red meat. I take occasional 45 mg iron (as fine metallic "carbonyl iron" capsules), well after food, with vitamin C to help it be absorbed. Carbonyl iron is hard to find. I get mine from New Zealand. High levels of iron supplementation for modest or long periods should only be done with medical supervision, since the body lacks a mechanism for getting rid of excess amounts.
Although I eat plenty of fish, including salmon, mackerel and sardines (oily fish) I take 4 grams of fish oil a day, as smaller than usual concentrated capsules.
I hope this is helpful. There are numerous reasons to be perplexed, distressed and fearful about the present and future. Nutritional deficiencies and/or pernicious drugs surely can make it harder to cope.
I have supplemented/compensated for all of the nutritional deficiencies you mentioned except for iron.
As far as caffeine, I have known intuitively for many years that it messes me up. But until recently I continued to use it. I have now given it up for good (I hope).
I had to pull over after listening to this piece. I had to respond. Firstly, what you’ve been experiencing is f@#ing hard. I watched a loved one suffer as you’ve described- and it came on as you described, after watching a movie. There’s so much to say, offer- as I can’t bear to hear of someone dealing with this. OCD has many forms and endless monsters. It goes after the thing you love the most and tries to destroy it. Most people who are highly intelligent suffer from it and can morph it into a super strength. I feel like you’ve done that as a writer but sounds like sometimes it’s just all too much.
There are some good resources that might help...
Looking up PANS/PANDAS treatments (I can provide resources if you think you want to go down this rabbit hole.
*Stuart Ralph hosts this and has wonderful guests that can change your outlook. Filled w hope.
That said, I’m tech deficient but if there is any way I could help as I have extensive experience with a loved one who suffered, I would be happy to help.
I’m honored you shared your story. Awfully brave of you Ben. A light in this world you surely are.
Check out Jerry Marzinsky on youtube/rumble. After 30 years working with high risk criminal mentally ill he was kicked out for curing some. He has a non drug method.
Ben, I have medical books from the 1960's that are amazing. What you described in this post could be a manifestation of a long term deficiency of B complex vitamins because B complex is one of the 7 ESSENTIAL vitamins our bodies need daily as medically proven over and over again since then. The out of print book is Let's Get Well by Adele Davis. This book has been used in our family for three generations because the information turned out to be very workable and the bibliography is quite impressive. It takes four months to correct this type of deficiency by taking B complex along with A, C and E plus minerals. Those are the main essentials the human body needs daily as proven through testing and analysis. The other two are calcium and magnesium which I get from Outback naturals as a drink I make twice a day. Hopefully if you try all of these supplements it should make a difference by the fourth month. I know for my self, getting essential nutrients made it much easier for me to bat away the darkness of my own mental travels. Another point is the fact that food no longer contains these essential vitamins or only contains minuscule amounts because of factory farming methods which strip the earth of nutrients. Its worth a try for several months to see if you get some results by taking these supplements that should provide you some relief. Oh, please note, I am not a sales rep for any vitamin company nor one for the referenced book. I took the time to write you because the information in Adele's book has really helped me and our family.
Good luck to you.
Thanks, Deb. I take a lot of the stuff you mentioned, including B complex, but not all.
Okay. Please check out the book I referenced. Its our health bible in our family for three generations. Good luck to you. You are a GREAT writer and I truly look forward to your posts. Oh, one other nutrient I did not include is nutritional yeast flakes which is classified as a food. I take 2 tablespoons and it is supposed to correct the gut and when the gut is fixed studies state that in turn the brain gets fixed. Takes months but hey, it's worth an experimental try for a minimum of three months.
Either way, wishing you good health and happiness. Deb
thank you very much Deb for the kind words.
Is there anything in life that fills your heart with joy? Or anyone? Or a pet? If not, I would first say that I hope you can find something/someone that makes your heart happy when you are in contact with it. Even if it’s a pet or some activity. Perhaps music therapy? Even playing music yourself? Or humming?
Is there any way you can start ignoring the demon? Tell it to eff off? Read a Bible verse when you get the thoughts? Start singing?
I was once visited by a demon in the night who tried to suffocate me and I mustered up a command three times that the demon should “Get out in the name of Jesus Christ.” That thing left. The next morning I told my mother what happened and she said the thing went into her room as well. I don’t know what she did to get rid of it. We were not devout Christians, but I wasn’t going to let that dark being get me.
There is more to your story I can relate to, but I am reticent to disclose it here. Just know you have the power to defeat evil without giving up your sanity or your life.
You overcame the substance dependence. That was HUGE and is a testament to your strength to evict demons.
I don't think it's an issue of strength but rather knowing what to do. Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.
Well, and I admit I have no clue what you are having to deal with on a daily basis. As another person commented, we each live alone in our own minds. When I gave advice, it’s based on my experience, not yours. I almost didn’t say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.
You're always welcome to say the wrong thing.
Speaking of which, all I can offer is that when I grappled with suicide I resolved that if I was ever to the point of actually killing myself , I would kill whoever made me feel that way.
I never felt I was dealing with a demon, I never even considered any thing but a human as a possible impetus, so maybe it just doesn't apply.
But are you 100 percent sure you aren't repressing feelings being engendered by people in your life?
" I resolved that if I was ever to the point of actually killing myself ,
I would kill whoever made me feel that way."
Print, Frame, and Hang on the living room wall.
...And make sure the guest couch/sofa/seating face it.
A truly multi-dimensional cure.
Jesus Christ is an egregore created by the collective believers
The Mandeans know and they have been persecuted for 2000 years for this
https://centralsun.substack.com/p/revelations-about-the-new-cage-religion
I have had times similar. Self-help babble and compassionate friends made it worse. It was only on an upward swing that I would even consider help or counselling, but by then it was the upward swing so didn’t need it. I refuse all drugs, legal or non, and don’t drink.
My will is on the desktop with a note where to find keys and passwords. The computer lock password is in a sealed envelope addressed to my friend, and on the counter. Everything listed in the will is boxed up, enveloped, sealed stamped and addressed - and in the closet.
I already have a couple exit plans in place, supplies, money, contacts.
This was all done during a major funk several years ago and sits today still ready for that moment.
Then I binge on Star Trek and stare out the window until it passes. Somehow just the knowing I am prepared and ready at any moment is enough to put that moment off.
So no hugs, no words of encouragement or possible solutions. Just a knowing nod and wink of understanding - you aren’t alone.
Star Trek is wholesome entertainment. At least The Next Generation, the only series I've watched. A little liberal-propagandistic-utopian, but I'll take it.
Escapism, pure and simple.
My son (a few years younger than you) suffers with this, though to a lesser degree than you do, it seems. It breaks my heart to see him struggle. As his mom I want to swoop in and take it away from him, but I can’t. So I offer you the same guidance I gave him - seek Jesus Christ. Read the Bible, and start with the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). He has transformed and brought peace to countless troubled and tortured souls. Any Christian reading this, let’s pray for Ben.
thanks for your well-wishes, Kim
Hey, maybe this post can help...
As a teenager, I developed exceptionally severe OCD; I literally could not stop ruminating from the moment that I woke up to when I fell asleep. The more I fought the thoughts (and they were awful, horrendous thoughts that would shock even the most harden of inmates), the more the avalanche would grow.
Fast forward 20 years later, and I no longer suffer from OCD. It's as dormant as a mammoth locked inside a Canadian glacier. The panic attacks are also gone.
Now, absolutely none of this should be taken as medical advice, and you should talk to whatever medical experts are most relevant, but here's what finally broke me from the OCD spell completely:
1) First, it was this website that saved my life: https://www.ocdonline.com -- Dr. Phillipson's articles are what gave me the tools to break free.
2) Cognitive behavioral therapy / exposure therapy: In short, I had to retrain myself to always *run towards* the source of my distress. If I feared that I would triggered a car accident, I would intentionally imagine causing the car accident and then spice it up: not only would it only involve these cars around me, it would also include the hundred behind me on the freeway, which then would pile up so high that an airliner would then get involved, then a space dock, then some aliens, which then would cause the whole earth to pivot out alignment and into the sun.
Each time my brain would come up with something new to wring its hands over, I would force myself to willingly participate. I would intentionally try to imagine something *even worse.* If my brain upped the ante, I would do the same. No matter how dark and bleak my brain wanted to go, I could do one better.
Eventually with time, your brain realizes it cannot win this game against you and those intrusive thoughts no longer seem as exciting to it as they did previously. Do keep in mind that this is a habit you'll be forming, and not an instant cure. You'll have to repeat this over and over and over again, but each time you do, the fear will become less and less and less... Gradual steps, inch by inch.
3) This leads me into panic attacks. I used to get horrible panic attacks (especially while driving) and often thought I'd die of a heart attack. Now, I used the same concept as above: when I felt one coming on, I intentionally tried to make it worse by egging on the initiating fear. If I thought I was having a heart attack, I'd double down and try to go for an aneurism and a stroke, too. After doing this 2-3 times, the panic attacks stopped completely. It's been over a decade and they've never returned.
4) I started taking L-taurine (an amino acid you can buy OTC for dirt cheap) nightly before bed, as well as adding GABA (an OTC supplement) on days when my anxiety seems overly high. Since taking taurine regularly, I've stopped having anxiety (OCD, social, general). There are some studies that seem to suggest OCD might be linked with low GABA (link below). Taurine + GABA is a great combo for chilling out anxieties (taurine is an agonist of GABA: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30892104/). If you're on an SSRI (or similar), double check with your doc first before taking GABA.
Some of the science behind GABA & OCD: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7173854/
5) A note on existential dread: After my grandmother died, I spent a lot of time wrestling with this (outside of the context of OCD). What gave me peace is realizing that even if there is nothing after death, I won't be cognizant of it. You can't be bothered by your own lack of non-existence if you don't exist. So, why spend time anguishing over it while alive? There are much more fun and interesting things to do in the meantime.
In short: OCD is absolutely surmountable. No matter how severe it is right now, it is not a life sentence and your brain can be retrained to ensure it stops acting up like this completely. My own journey is a testament to this fact. And brother, let me tell you: if I can do this, you *absolutely* can do this. The only thing you need is courage to charge towards your worst fears -- you'll find that when those fears see you charging at them, they'll scatter like rats whipped out of an old NYC pizza box.
thank you very much for sharing your story and the words of encouragement
I will reply here as my comments are similar.
Ben-I am 76 now; have a master's in psych but I am not a therapist. In my mid 20's I experienced panic attacks. Eventually they "went away." I have read a good bit about the problem, various therapies etc. and I teach basic psy at a 2 years college.
1. I am not a fan of psychoanalytic types. they are looking for some deep hidden cause of symptoms. I suggest (as above) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
2. I believe these problems are largely physical/brain problems, not psychological per se. good news is research shows how you feel determines how you feel and visa versa.
3. Read some Stoic philosophy (a major influence on CBT). Start here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B071NHNBHV/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
4. check out Dr. Jeffery Schwartz. a research psychiatrist at UCLA (?). you can find a number of utubes and he has several books re his method of treating OCD. a form of CBT.
5. meditation has a research base of effectiveness. easy, cheap, fun.
6. I've used several non-Rx supplements on occasion and for sleep. L-theanine, Passion Flower, ashwagandha.
7. from your description I can't quite tell if you are describing anxiety attacks or OCD or both. but that matters.
Feel free to reach out if you want more info or whatever.
I have felt that demon. Though our experiences & medical histories are different , the only thing that helped me shed it for good was a heroic dose of psychedelics 7 years ago … which is something I would only advocate under guidance.
There are other approaches aside from pharmaceuticals . The goal is to find the best pathway to heal & not give up.
Also forgive yourself
“ Does writing this down make me weak? Am I supposed to figure this shit out on my own in a closet like old times? ”
Absolutely not. You are being REAL, & are not alone.
I have contemplated the HERO dose of psychedelics but I just haven't found the perfect opportunity with set/setting/the actual stuff
This is something that should be planned. Setting is very important. Find a peaceful comfortable setting , bring a notepad , recording device & talk / write it out . Write it. Speak it. Unravel the ball of yarn that is your conscious mind mixed with emotion.
For Ayuasca retreats in Peru they actually have you abstain from nicotine, alcohol, & caffeine etc for2 weeks prior & eat a bland diet . They know its a life changing experience for those who go through the ceremony .
My personal experience was a bit more bootleg. What was supposed to be a microdose event between shrooms & LSD became a megadose event that sent me on a 16 hr journey. In between kaleidoscope vision , severe nausea & thinking I would prob die & get taken to another planet - were massive bouts of laughter & epiphanies.
I emerged a different person. The demon was eradicated.
Since we only each live in our own heads, it’s hard to know how common it is. But I have had periods like that; and many friends have shared same. I think it’s a human experience. These times don’t help as it seems like we are living through a somewhat inexorable decline and fall. For my part I appreciate reading your stuff because it makes me feel like there are more kindred spirits out there (there are lots of us).
Faith is a personal thing, but I think people who have to feel that it’s all up to them face huge burdens in this life, while those with faith can offload what we can’t control (apparently most everything) to a higher power. I am just finishing reading Quo Vadis (historical fiction) by Sienkiewicz (re Rome / Nero / Christians), which is very inspiring as Rome was in clear free fall at that time (Nero); and its characters bear crazy suffering in heroic ways. So too, Vaclav Havel’s writings, like Disturbing the Peace, are very inspiring as well, even on basic mental health (not just societal challenges).
By looking at such “history,” we can gain perspective on how comparatively fortunate we may still be. Think about the flowers in the field, rooted, that cannot do other than wait for sunshine and rain, and yet they live, generationally, in multitudes.
I would also suggest just get outside as much as possible; it’s crucial for our well being. Be well. Thoughts and prayers with you.
getting outside and walking around is never a bad idea.
these damn computers and phones are lethal
Demons and angels. Shoulders and whispers. Choices and consequences. Influence and conscience. Desires and sobriety. Forks in the road, regrets and fond memories. 3am monologues - pleasant dreams and nightmares. Ships that sail and those that don't come in. Bridges burned new accesses forged. Old friends alienated new friends gifted. Suicidal thoughts and newborn remedies.
Never give up. Never surrender. This life is a test. Persevere and broadcast your strength, generosity, and compassion. This is the path to escaping this nightmare.
I would like to believe it's a test, because that at least justifies the suffering.
I cannot possibly know what you are going through nor can I walk in your shoes and experience the level of dread and suffering you've been handling from a young age as detailed in this essay, all I can say is that our character is forged in the fire of these trials and tribulations. These obstacles can either break you or make you strong. In your case through your work, I see the latter. Hold tight to your qualities and virtues, it will be worth it.
https://tritorch.substack.com/p/this-life-is-a-soul-test
First of all, I sincerely hope you're able to continue to best this monster, because I'd miss these columns. Second, being able to openly speak of this sort of thing - or *any sort of thing* is *agency*. It's the opposite of weakness, it's *power*. The hidden thing is a handle for your enemies, but the exposed thing denies *them* power. Especially when you, honestly and frankly and without apology, are the one who exposes it. Keep up the good work.
thanks, hoppah
I can relate. I have lived with a sense of being an outsider since my earliest memories. I developed various ways to cope but resisted fully accepting my problem or treating it. I thought for a long time that I simply had ‘bouts’ of depression. When I consider it, I think the reason I am still here is that I have always found things to enjoy or to be interested in. There has always been more to do and to learn. I don’t have a profound understanding of my own psyche, as most of my life I resisted accepting this, and had a skeptical attitude to psychology and self-help and ‘happiness’ delusions. For the past few years I have gradually studied my problem. (I had to overcome my own denial and resistance.) For very practical skills for dealing with strong emotions and addictions and suicidal despair, I offer the therapy developed by Marsha Linehan called ‘Dialectical Behavior Therapy.’ She wrote a pretty good narrative about her struggles with despair and her studies of many disciplines over several decades. She has also incorporated Zen meditation into DBT. DBT has helped me step aside from my automatic ‘triggered’ patterns and be mindful that I can choose to behave differently. I am a novice, but I offer this because other therapies like Cognitive Behavior Therapy were not enough for me. I think I have made more progress with some DBT, and started thinking differently, and finding other resources. Currently I am reading up on shame by various authors. Guilt is something you can do something about. Shame is like an oppressive negative identity a person adopts, often during childhood or after traumatic events.
Peter S. Breggin helped steer me and a son away from psych meds. Writer about shame, who others usually cite: Ernest Kurtz.
You dodged a life destroying bullet, congratulations.
Weening off over a decade ago was one of the best choices I ever made. ‘Discontinuation symptoms’ were a nightmare experience but I somehow survived
Good for you! That stuff is another one of their many pathways to make us permanent patients. I concede that psych med prescriptions are usually necessary when someone is in a severe crisis, but the credentialed professionals never seem to prescribe 'no drugs', do they?
Respect brother. I’ve no words to help. I just prayed for you. One day at a time. The past few years have been tough and almost unbearable for many, including myself, and also you.
I’m sorry if it sounds cliche, but Jesus knows and understands. Find peace thru prayer.
I’ve been told I’m manic depressive. I’ve found the best way to face blistering annihilation is prayer. That’s a grace you can, I think will, receive if you honestly ask for it. In old school Catholic parlance, I unite my suffering with Christ’s on the Cross. I offer it up. And it always helps. The suffering, the annihilation is still real, but it becomes bearable, meaningful even. You can handle ecstasy in the same manner, which magnifies it, incidentally. I think annihilation and ecstasy are actually the only things that are ultimately real, but “normal” people are just psychically shielded from knowing it.
Hi Ben, Here are some suggestions, from an electronic technician and computer programmer - not a doctor - without any assumptions about to what extent you know about these already.
Many people use caffeine every day for decades without realising how it drives anxiety, irritability, fear, tiredness (overall, perhaps counteracted for a few hours after each dose), impatience and, surely PTSD and OCD. I quit it after 30 years or so when I found my one or two scandalously weak cups of tea a day was making me anxious. That was 20 years ago. I am sure it also reduces creativity, since it puts us into an alarmed, fight or flight state, which is the opposite of what leads to creative combinations of thoughts bouncing around lightly and aligning in novel combinations.
I regret that the same is true of chocolate - especially dark chocolate. I generally avoid it now, though white chocolate has much less caffeine and theobromine. These are two very similar compounds - and the coffee plant makes caffeine from theobromine. Both evidently evolved in multiple plants to interfere with the nervous systems of insects which eat the plants. They both block adenosine receptors from being activated by the neurotransmitter adenosine. The details of the mental effects are complex, but it hardly matters. They are addictive anxiogenic drugs and I believe that everyone would be better off without less than what most people have, including probably zero or close to it. I have a small amount of chocolate while driving, to reduce my tendency to get distracted sight-seeing. A certain level of anxiety when driving is good!
Unfortunately, alcohol is a menace and should avoided except perhaps in very small amounts. It is a carcinogenic depressant which kills neurons. I might have half a glass of wine sometimes. I bought some 4.5% alcohol light beer today, for the first time in years, since summer is here in .au.
Vitamin B12 is a common deficiency, at least for those who avoid meat, poultry and fish. (I eat plenty of fish, but still take B12 in a multivitamin and an occasional liquid spray just in case.)
Most people have only a fraction of the 25-hydroxyvitamin D they need for proper immune system function. I recall you are aware of this, which is great. For research on this, please see: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/ .
For how much vitamin D3 to supplement to attain the required 50 ng/mL (125 nmol/L = 1 part in 20,000,000 by mass) 25-hydroxyvitamin D, as needed by immune cells and cells of many other types, including in the brain, please see Prof. Sunil Wimalawansa's recommendations as ratios of body weight, with higher ratios for those suffering from obesity: https://vitamindstopscovid.info/00-evi/#00-how-much .
For 70 kg (154 lb) without obesity, about 0.125 milligrams (5000 IU) vitamin D3 is needed, on average, per day. I weigh a little less and take a 1.25 mg (50,000 IU) capsule once a week. Adding in the small amount in a vitamin capsule and 0.025 mg (1000 IU) in a vitamin K2 capsule every day, I get about 0.2 mg a day. My 25-hydroxyvitamin D level is about 96 ng/mL or so. I am 68 and have never felt better.
"5000 IU" sounds like a lot, but it is a gram every 22 years. Pharma grade vitamin D3 costs about USD$2.50 a gram ex-factory.
Magnesium is a common deficiency. I don't have a good grip on the research, but see https://www.researchgate.net/publication/374232309_Vitamin_B6_Magnesium_and_Vitamin_D_the_Triple_Play .
Vitamin K2 (MK7 is the best form, as far as I know) reduces the degree to which high 25-hydroxyvitamin D levels might reduce calcium levels in the bone. It has other benefits. Again, I am not sure what the best research is. I take 0.2 milligrams (200 micrograms) a day. https://www.hindawi.com/journals/jnme/2017/6254836/
Iron is a common deficiency, at least for those who don't eat red meat. I take occasional 45 mg iron (as fine metallic "carbonyl iron" capsules), well after food, with vitamin C to help it be absorbed. Carbonyl iron is hard to find. I get mine from New Zealand. High levels of iron supplementation for modest or long periods should only be done with medical supervision, since the body lacks a mechanism for getting rid of excess amounts.
Low iron leads to all sorts of problems, including restless legs syndrome: https://aminotheory.com/rlsd/briefsumm/ .
Although I eat plenty of fish, including salmon, mackerel and sardines (oily fish) I take 4 grams of fish oil a day, as smaller than usual concentrated capsules.
I hope this is helpful. There are numerous reasons to be perplexed, distressed and fearful about the present and future. Nutritional deficiencies and/or pernicious drugs surely can make it harder to cope.
Hi Robin
I have supplemented/compensated for all of the nutritional deficiencies you mentioned except for iron.
As far as caffeine, I have known intuitively for many years that it messes me up. But until recently I continued to use it. I have now given it up for good (I hope).
Thanks for sharing your insight and God bless.
So sorry you are so burdened but very happy to read all of the good advice you have attracted.
I can only add that, before you harm yourself, think of all of the many you could be permanently eliminating who actually deserve an early departure!
Surely, making that long list will bring you joy and satisfaction! xxx
I had to pull over after listening to this piece. I had to respond. Firstly, what you’ve been experiencing is f@#ing hard. I watched a loved one suffer as you’ve described- and it came on as you described, after watching a movie. There’s so much to say, offer- as I can’t bear to hear of someone dealing with this. OCD has many forms and endless monsters. It goes after the thing you love the most and tries to destroy it. Most people who are highly intelligent suffer from it and can morph it into a super strength. I feel like you’ve done that as a writer but sounds like sometimes it’s just all too much.
There are some good resources that might help...
Looking up PANS/PANDAS treatments (I can provide resources if you think you want to go down this rabbit hole.
NOCD
https://www.treatmyocd.com/ online ERP (exposure response prevention) therapy
This app:
https://theocdstories.com/
*Stuart Ralph hosts this and has wonderful guests that can change your outlook. Filled w hope.
That said, I’m tech deficient but if there is any way I could help as I have extensive experience with a loved one who suffered, I would be happy to help.
I’m honored you shared your story. Awfully brave of you Ben. A light in this world you surely are.
Sending love and hope💕
thank you for the recommendations. I will pursue them.
Check out Jerry Marzinsky on youtube/rumble. After 30 years working with high risk criminal mentally ill he was kicked out for curing some. He has a non drug method.
will do. thanks