Oh Ben, I prayed, & will continue to pray very hard for you. You are a hero to your wife & that sweet baby boy. I don't talk about this much, but I was addicted to pain pills for about 20 years. Between Almighty God, my family, & rehab I overcame the addiction & learned better ways to deal with the hot mess that rolls around in my head. For me, the most important thing I did was started talking ( praying) to the Holy Spirit. I get up very early, go outside, & pour my heart out to Him. I find that saying the words out loud helps defeat the monster within. Just know you are much loved by our Lord, your family, & your dedicated readers.
hoping this is an excerpt to your next great novel. Keep well mate, and with the cold shower, a clove of crushed garlic on dark rye. It'll do you some good.
I have had similar -- but nowhere near as devastating, ubiquitous, and incapacitating -- past anxieties (including numerous panic attacks that led me to quit 50 professional jobs, as well as ongoing "night terrors" awakening me many nights to this day) and depressions.
The ONLY thing that helped me get through the waking traumas -- and gave me some semblance of comfort and control -- was studying Eastern Zen Masters and practicing Eastern Zen-like meditation. [Second was relocating from urban/suburban shitholes to a rural area.]
The constant attempt to: (1) sit still (the second-hardest thing in the world to do) and (2) to then dispassionately / objectively attempt to observe your thoughts (the hardest thing in the world to to) -- "LET IT FLOW ... AND LET IT GO!" -- with the full focused realization that ALL THESE CRAZY *IRRATIONAL* WORRIES & ANXIETIES (PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE, REAL AND/OR IMAGINED) are NOT IN FACT REAL NOR HAPPENING AT THE PRESENT TIME IN THE MOMENT, but are actually merely VARIOUS NEURONS FIRING RANDOMLY in your brain.
After enough forced "practice" sitting -- some can eventually incorporate it into some if not much of their waking life, being present in the moment and in control of their otherwise *IRRATIONAL* worries & anxieties (I did in fact achieve this state over 30 years ago for awhile, and it was liberating). I do still wrestle with the demons at night and have had chronic insomnia again now going on six years, so maybe I should take my own advice again ...
You don't have to push the rock alone. Jesus saves. I'm praying for you.
Thanks Dave
Oh Ben, I prayed, & will continue to pray very hard for you. You are a hero to your wife & that sweet baby boy. I don't talk about this much, but I was addicted to pain pills for about 20 years. Between Almighty God, my family, & rehab I overcame the addiction & learned better ways to deal with the hot mess that rolls around in my head. For me, the most important thing I did was started talking ( praying) to the Holy Spirit. I get up very early, go outside, & pour my heart out to Him. I find that saying the words out loud helps defeat the monster within. Just know you are much loved by our Lord, your family, & your dedicated readers.
Glad to hear you got out from under the pills. I had my own issues with them but with benzos not painkillers
Similar emotions at shower’s end, when switching to the bracing FNG cold water.
It's so tempting to skip the pain
hoping this is an excerpt to your next great novel. Keep well mate, and with the cold shower, a clove of crushed garlic on dark rye. It'll do you some good.
I eat garlic raw all the time and my wife absolutely hates it
Dear Ben,
I have had similar -- but nowhere near as devastating, ubiquitous, and incapacitating -- past anxieties (including numerous panic attacks that led me to quit 50 professional jobs, as well as ongoing "night terrors" awakening me many nights to this day) and depressions.
The ONLY thing that helped me get through the waking traumas -- and gave me some semblance of comfort and control -- was studying Eastern Zen Masters and practicing Eastern Zen-like meditation. [Second was relocating from urban/suburban shitholes to a rural area.]
The constant attempt to: (1) sit still (the second-hardest thing in the world to do) and (2) to then dispassionately / objectively attempt to observe your thoughts (the hardest thing in the world to to) -- "LET IT FLOW ... AND LET IT GO!" -- with the full focused realization that ALL THESE CRAZY *IRRATIONAL* WORRIES & ANXIETIES (PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE, REAL AND/OR IMAGINED) are NOT IN FACT REAL NOR HAPPENING AT THE PRESENT TIME IN THE MOMENT, but are actually merely VARIOUS NEURONS FIRING RANDOMLY in your brain.
After enough forced "practice" sitting -- some can eventually incorporate it into some if not much of their waking life, being present in the moment and in control of their otherwise *IRRATIONAL* worries & anxieties (I did in fact achieve this state over 30 years ago for awhile, and it was liberating). I do still wrestle with the demons at night and have had chronic insomnia again now going on six years, so maybe I should take my own advice again ...
I meditate almost every day, although I'm not very good at it. I actually went to a well-known temple outside of Chiang Mai for a week of solitary meditation about a year ago and wrote a little thing about it. https://armageddonsafari.substack.com/p/notes-from-wat-chom-tong-the-vipassana