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A Modest Proposal: Alternative Congressional Dress Codes
“Pimps and prostitutes
buisnessmen in monkey suits
on their knees
licking corporate boots
suckin up jumping through hoops
pimps and wall street ho's
work the street in business clothes
blows jobs, rimming, sucking cock
they're getting laid while you're getting laid off.”
-NOFX, ‘Pimps and Prostitutes’
Pundits across the political spectrum are outraged – outraged! – that gigantic human slob John Fetterman is slobbing up the Senate with his hoodie and gym shorts wardrobe.
His dress is an alleged violation of what posterity called “decorum.” The argument goes that the Congress is an august body of pomp and circumstance that requires only the most respectable of dress from its highly respectable members.
This is bullshit.
The Congress is comprised of the lowliest, most shameless psychopaths the United States could produce, willing and able to serve their corporate state masters at every turn. There is no act of self-degradation they won’t carry out with a smile and a spring in their step. That’s why they’re there.
This is not the mythological era of “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” That time, to the extent it ever existed, has long passed.
The Congress of modernity, again, it can’t be emphasized enough, is a viper’s den of sellout criminals in white collars and shiny shoes.
The new Congressional dress code should reflect this reality.
Here are two modest proposals in that vein:
· The NASCAR code. Others besides myself came up with this long ago. The members should be made to have patches of their largest financial sponsors sewn onto their garments – Goldman Sachs, George Soros Foundation, Boeing, whatever the case may be.
· Prostitute streetwear. This one would cut much more to the chase: cheetah-print high heels, bright neon push-up bras highly visible underneath flimsy tops, etc.
This is not to disparage those prostitutes who, unlike members of Congress, do often-difficult physical labor to earn their pay. But the logic of their work is largely the same.
Ben Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile, is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.
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