Sociological Research: I Spent Several Hours Watching Pimps Argue on YouTube

I recently spent several hours watching pimps argue on an urban-oriented podcast called No Jumper to confirm whether Western civilization has descended fully into Idiocracy.

I, regretfully, am forced to conclude it is so.

This one, featuring a self-proclaimed "old-school," pimp from the street named Sharp, is ostensibly supposed to be an interview but it's mostly unintelligible gibberish delivered at maximum volume.

 

The opposing pimp, "Church," who comes from the "new school" of pimping, repeatedly refers to a talking point about an innovative "digital pivot" to differentiate his style from that of a classical pimp – a vague idea that it sounds like he got from a Ted Talk.

As far as I could make out, the "digital pivot" is just a fancy term for selling stuff on the internet -- in this case, the product is what he refers to throughout as "the bitch" (the young lady seated next to him). "I'ma tell you how to move yo' bitch," Church explains like it's a business plan. "My bitch is a whole business… It's about commodifying the bitch to the maximum extent."

At one point, Sharp moves on Church's white bitch, who sits silently by throughout the podcast, in an attempt to recruit her onto his team. Church, Sharp tells her, is a bitch because he found a video of Church sucking her toes on the internet and that's not how a legitimate pimp behaves.

"I ain't never sucked no toes," Sharp yells.

"You're the reason bitches don't even like the game!" Church claps back later on. 

They eventually move on to arguing about who each other's jewelers are and whose chain is fake. 

I showed my Ukrainian wife, who's fluent in American English, at least the standard kind, and she had no idea what was going on. Because she's not in the game, I guess. She is not in The Church.

There is much controversy throughout over something very important to the pimping industry called "The Church," from which Church borrowed his name (in violation of the game according to Sharp, who gets real upset when anyone fronts like they're from The Church when they're not. Sharp defends the institution vigorously).

"You suspect, bruh," Sharp says, in reference to the conflict over Church's name and who in the game permitted him to use it.

The passion is obviously real, but it's unclear what the passion is about exactly. No one ever explains what The Church is, exactly, nor why it's so central to the pimping game.

Pressed on why he deserves to go by the name Church, the pimp claims that it's because he "talks to mo'fuckers about holistic ass shit."

What's clear is that pimping is serious business, these are serious people, and Western culture is totally not circling the drain.   

Ben Bartee is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs. Follow his stuff via Armageddon Prose and/or Substack, Patreon, Gab, and Twitter.

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