Climate Change™ ‘Butter’, By Bill Gates

Domestic terrorists, we know, like to cling bitterly to conspiracy theories — like that butter comes from cows.

Bill Gates has corrective ideas, which is why the saintly philanthropist is rolling out his very own patented “dairy-free alternative taste” “butter” for the masses — at a hefty premium, of course; after all, starving billionaire philanthropists have to eat.

          Related: Techno-Cows Bioengineered to Squirt Insulin From Teets

Via The Guardian (emphasis added):

“Butter made from air instead of cows? A California-based startup claims to have worked out a complex process that eliminates the need for the animals while making its dairy-free alternative taste just as good.

Savor, backed by the Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates, has been experimenting with creating dairy-free alternatives to ice-cream, cheese, and milk by utilising a thermochemical process that allows it to build fat molecules, creating chains of carbon dioxide, hydrogen and oxygen. The company has now announced a new animal-free butter alternative.

Reducing meat and dairy consumption is one of the key ways that humanity can reduce its environmental impact, as livestock production is a significant source of greenhouse gases, and Savor says its products will have a significantly lower carbon footprint than animal-based ones. The “butter” could potentially come in at less than 0.8g CO2 equivalent per calorie. The standard climate footprint of real unsalted butter with 80% fat is approximately 2.4g CO2 equivalent per calorie.”

Non-scientist college dropout who made his fortune ripping off the works of more talented software entrepreneurs and breaking numerous federal laws with impunity, Bill Gates, wants to assure the peasants that his frankenbutter is “chemically” real butter:

“The question now is whether buyers will take to such synthetic fats. Getting people to give up their favourite dairy and meat items for more ‘experimental’ foods may pose a challenge.

Advocating for the initiative in an online blogpost, Gates wrote: “The idea of switching to lab-made fats and oils may seem strange at first. But their potential to significantly reduce our carbon footprint is immense. By harnessing proven technologies and processes, we get one step closer to achieving our climate goals.

‘The process doesn’t release any greenhouse gases, and it uses no farmland and less than a thousandth of the water that traditional agriculture does. And most important, it tastes really good – like the real thing, because chemically it is.’”

V For Vendetta, once again, was ahead of its time.

Ben Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile, is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.

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