Watch Ben Shapiro Declare Epstein Case CLOSED: ‘Facts on the Ground Have Changed’

“The [Daily Wire]'s put a thought inside your head
Like a Barry Manilow jingle
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
A symphonic blank stare, yeah

It doesn't make you care
Not designed to make you care
They're betting you won't care”
-NOFX, The Decline, revised

Related: Elite Media Propagandist Cries at Davos: ‘We Owned the News’

If you’re like me, you’ve had it up to your ballsack (or uterus, if you identify as a legacy fronthole woman) with wild-eyed conspiracy theorists suggesting that a math teacher with no degree came in a few short years to own his own private island and a Manhattan mansion while running the world’s most prolific child sex trafficking regime in world history — what a career trajectory! — with odd connections to multiple billionaires, American presidents, British royalty, Hollywood celebrities, and intelligence agencies might have been up to something nefarious that implicates every corner of multinational elite society.

Despite thousands of videos in the government’s possession depicting child sexual abuse, AG Pam Bondi now insists that there were no clients; Epstein trafficked all of those children for his own amusement!

Imagine putting on this embarrassing performance for the cameras with the intention of calming suspicions of a cover-up rather than inflaming them.

Related: AG Pam Bondi: Still-Unreleased Epstein Files to Be Redacted for ‘National Security’

Let not your heart be troubled: intrepid truth-teller Ben Shapiro is here to put the conspiracy theories to bed once and for all.

Intrepid truth-teller Ben Shapiro to audience: No client list. No blackmail operation. Epstein definitely killed himself. Dan Bongino said so, and he would never lie

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Benjamin Bartee, author of Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile (now available in paperback), is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.

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